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Just the Quotes

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

— Ponderisms

What disease did cured ham actually have?

— Ponderisms

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck for eternity wearing the clothes in which you were buried?

— Ponderisms

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

— Ponderisms

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

— Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

— Ponderisms

Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don’t want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

— Tips for a better life

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

— Ponderisms

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.”

— Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

— Ponderisms

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

— Ponderisms

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

— Ponderisms

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

— Ponderisms

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

— Ponderisms

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

— Ponderisms

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

— Ponderisms

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”

— Ponderisms

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

I take my wife everywhere…. but she keeps finding her way back.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our annivrsary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

— RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Be the first to answer correctly and you could qualify to be eligible.

— Ponderisms

Some restrictions do not apply.

— Ponderisms

Offer good only where prohibited.

— Ponderisms

Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

— Tips for a better life

Do the right thing!

— Tips for a better life

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

— Tips for a better life

The best is yet to come.

— Tips for a better life

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

— Tips for a better life

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

— Tips for a better life

Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

— Tips for a better life

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

— Tips for a better life

Remember! GOD heals everything.

— Tips for a better life

What other people think of you is none of your business.

— Tips for a better life

Forgive everyone for everything.

— Tips for a better life

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

— Tips for a better life

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

— Tips for a better life

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

— Tips for a better life

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

— Tips for a better life

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

— Tips for a better life

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

— Tips for a better life

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

— Tips for a better life

Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

— Tips for a better life

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

— Tips for a better life

Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

— Tips for a better life

Try to make at least three people smile each day.

— Tips for a better life

Dream more while you are awake.

— Tips for a better life

Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

— Tips for a better life

Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

— Tips for a better life

Get more sleep.

— Tips for a better life

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

— Tips for a better life

Rule #1: Men are NOT mind readers.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Crying is blackmail.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

— The Man Rules

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!

— P.J. O’Rourke

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

— Will Rogers

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

— Mark Twain (1866)

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

— Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

— Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.

— Thomas Jefferson

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

— Phyllis Diller

How do you decide who to marry?
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

— Alan, age 10, Rules of marrage – by kids

How do you decide who to marry?
-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all, way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

— Kristen, age 10, Rules of marriage – by kids

What is the right age to get married?
-Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

— Camille, age 10, Rules of marriage – by kids

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
-You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

— Derrick, age 8, Rules of marriage – by kids

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
-Both don’t want any more kids.

— Lori, age 8, Rules of marriage – by kids

What do most people do on a date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

— Lynnette, age 8, Rules of marriage – by kids

What do most people do on a date?
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

— Martin, age 10, Rules of marriage – by kids

When is it okay to kiss someone?
-When they’re rich..

— Pam, age 7, Rules of marriage – by kids

When is it okay to kiss someone?
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

— Curt, age 7, Rules of marriage – by kids

When is it okay to kiss someone?
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

— Howard, age 8, Rules of marriage – by kids

Is it better to be single or married?
-It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

— Anita, age 9, Rules of marriage – by kids

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
-There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

— Kelvin, age 8, Rules of marriage – by kids

How would you make a marriage work?
-Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

— Ricky, age 10, Rules of marriage – by kids

Hardware eventually breaks – Software eventually works

— anonymous

First; (editorial comment) you probably should not have ANY dump DDs in your long running address spaces. They are about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

— Chris Craddock, ASSEMBLER-LIST

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

— And that’s how the fight started…..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

— And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

— And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

— And then the fight started..

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer… Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

— The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

— And then the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

— And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.

— And then the fight started……

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

— And then the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. You really need to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

— And then the fight started……..

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
“How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

— Children in Church

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

— Children in Church

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service,
“And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

— Children in Church

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say?” he asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

— Children in Church

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
“Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

— Children in Church

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
“That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”

— Children in Church

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
“Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No ma’am,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to.
My mom is a good cook.”

— Children in Church

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
“God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?”

— Children in Church

This particular Sunday sermon….’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment, my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old-girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

— Children in Church

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

— JAMES (age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

— TAMMY(age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

— MARC (age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

— CLINTON (age 5), Kids say the darnest things…..

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

— DJ (age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

— SUSAN (age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

— BRITTANY (age 4), Kids say the darnest things…..

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

— STEVEN (age 3), Kids say the darnest things…..

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked: ‘Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

— JACK (age 3), Kids say the darnest things…..

Never squat while wearing your spurs.

— Will Rogers

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

— Will Rogers

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

— Will Rogers

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

— Will Rogers

Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

— Will Rogers

Always drink upstream from the herd.

— Will Rogers

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

— Will Rogers

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

— Will Rogers

There are three kinds of men:   The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

— Will Rogers

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

— Will Rogers

If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd,  take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still  there. 

— Will Rogers

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back. 

— Will Rogers

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. 
The  moral: When  you’re full of bull, keep your mouth  shut.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… Eventually  you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about  it.  

— Will Rogers

About growing older… The older  we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

— Will Rogers

About growing older… Some  people try to turn back their odometers.   Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.   I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 

— Will Rogers

About growing older…F You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

— Will Rogers

About growing older… If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

— Will Rogers

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ” Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said,

“My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

— Author Unknown, Email Forwarded

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills.

— Chinese proverb

Mom, “Felix, you need to listen when people are talking to you!”

Felix, “Mom. The sound waves just aren’t getting to my ears!”

— Felix, age 5

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents …”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. It was the minister calling, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, She’s hitting the bottle.”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop? Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)

— Kids say the darnest things…..

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

— Kids say the darnest things…..

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

— Mark Twain

A clean conscience is a good pillow.

— Fortune Cookie

Any day above ground is a good day.

— Fortune Cookie

Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.

— Chinese Proverb

Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.

— John F. Kennedy

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

— George Burns

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

— Punography

When chemist die, they barium.

— Punography

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

— Punography

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

— Punography

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

— Punography

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

— Punography

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

— Punography

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

— Punography

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

— Punography

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

— Punography

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

— Punography

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

— Punography

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

— Punography

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

— Punography

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

— Punography

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

— Punography

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

— Punography

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

— Punography

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

— Punography

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

— Punography

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

— Punography

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

— Punography

Broken pencils are pointless.

— Punography

1. I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you. Nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

2. You are amazing! I look at you with wonder! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one!

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

3. It’s all right to cry. People cry for all kinds of reasons: when they are hurt, sad, glad, or worried; when they are angry, afraid, or lonely. Big people cry too. I do.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

4. You’ve made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It’s all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

5. You did the right thing. That was scary or hard. Even though it wasn’t easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

6. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

7. You can change your mind. It’s good to decide, but it is also fine to change.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

8. What a great idea! You were really thinking! How did you come up with that? Tell me more. Your mind is clever!

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

9. That was kind. You did something helpful and thoughtful for that person. That must make you feel good inside. Thank you!

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

10. I have a surprise for you. It’s not your birthday. It’s for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

11. I can wait. We have time. You don’t have to hurry this time.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

12. What would you like to do? It’s your turn to pick. You have great ideas. It’s important to follow your special interests.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

13. Tell me about it. I’d like to hear more. And then what happened? I’ll listen.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

14. I’m right here. I won’t leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you. I am listening to you.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

15. Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me?

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

16. I missed you. I think about you when we are not together!

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

17. Just try. A little bit. One taste, one step. You might like it. Let’s see. I’ll help you if you need it. I think you can do it.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

18. I’ll help you. I heard you call me, here I am. How can I help you? If we both work together, we can get this done. I know you can do it by yourself, but I’m glad to help since you asked.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

19. What do you wish for? Even if it’s not yet time for birthday candles and we don’t have a wishbone, it’s still fun to hear about what you wish for, hope for, and dream about.

— Georgy, Things we should say to Children

The Car Keys…

Several days ago I left a restaurant after having had lunch with friends. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the restaurant revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed around the corner for my parking spot. Dave has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I walked toward my car, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. My parking spot was empty! I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; (I always call him “honey” in times like these.)” I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding’ me”, he barked, “I dropped you off!!!” Now it was my time to be silent…

Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me. ” He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal your car!”

— “Yep it’s the golden years……………., email

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks.

— Ponderisms

Rule #1: Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

— The Man Rules

Rule # 1: Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: I am in shape. Round is a shape!

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say, during commercials.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: You have enough clothes.

— The Man Rules

Rule #1: You have too many shoes.

— The Man Rules

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

— Blonde Joke

Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.

— Fortune Cookie

Do not underestimate yourself. Human beings have unlimited potentials.

— Fortune Cookie

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

— Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws

Parallel line have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

A hot blond orders a double entendre at the bar.

The bartender gave it to her.

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag –

You can hide but you can’t run.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Q. How do you think the unthinkable?

A. With an itheberg.

Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club,

Is don’t talk about chess club.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Be the labor great or small..
Do it well or not at all!

— fortune cookie

Life is a gift, don’t waste it.

— fortune cookie

Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference.

— fortune cookie

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

— Seems right to me

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian.

— Seems right to me

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

— Seems right to me

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

— Seems right to me

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

— Seems right to me

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

— Seems right to me

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

— Seems right to me

Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie.

— Seems right to me

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

— Seems right to me

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

— Seems right to me

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

— Seems right to me

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

— Seems right to me

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

— Seems right to me

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

— Seems right to me

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

— Seems right to me

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

— Seems right to me

A backward poet writes in verse.

— Seems right to me

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

— Seems right to me

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

— Seems right to me

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

— Seems right to me

A vulture carrying two dead racoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

— Seems right to me

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

— Seems right to me

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

— Seems right to me

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

— Seems right to me

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

— Seems right to me

A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

— Seems right to me
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